But she's Happy, what's it to ya???

Actually, that's about what my real horse looks like about mid-February!

Not the kind of treats I get...

...when I flick MY horse's tail!
That's "MISTER" Horse to YOU!

Hey, Why'd You Name Your Horse Dog D!ck?

I Dunno, it just seemed to fit.

Dunno what's more disturbing.

The horse, or the lampshade!

If you really hate horses...

Think of the fun you'll have snapping them in the nose every time you want to turn on the lights!

If Wallace and Gromit had a horse...

This would probably be what it would look like!

Hm....boobs on a horse. O-kay.

Small Pox is Never Pretty

Especially as bulging red pustules on a pink horse's butt!!

What Happens When You Breed an Alien with Hidalgo?

This. Unfortunately. I wonder if he bleeds acid.

Yeah, if you're Marilyn Manson!

Merry Christmas! And what better way to celebrate than with a family of Goth Holiday Horsies!
This set can be yours for a mere $140 BIN on eBay! Don't all rush now!

Spotted Pig-Horse

They say the Tapir is related to the Horse. Seeing this thing, I believe it!

Thanks to Suzanne Feld for this Dollar Store Beauty!

From the Fu-Glii Dynasty

Showing that Disturbing is International, this is a souvenir direct from Mainland China! Marxism = Disturbing Equines!

GYAARRRRRR!

Thanks to StockStillStables on Model Horse Blab for this, er, contribution!

Tick Toc Cheap Schlock

A lovely resin horse-clock whose tail waves back and forth in time with the seconds! What does it do, poop at the top of the hour???

Duuuurrrrrrrr

"I like stuff...duuuuurrrrrh...."

(I guess it's the brown foamy stuff that disturbs me...almost as much as the slack, malformed lower lip)

Seeing Spots Can Be A Symptom Of Brain Damage!

So can seeing flattened ears, impossibly bent necks, noodle boneless legs, ridiculous tails, and spotting like no living creature on earth could sport!



It's even more fearsome in close-ups!


Either it's got a case of "The Snots", or had been eating the shaving cream again!

So, Timmy...Do You Like Gladiator Movies?

Disturbing...on many levels.

YARRRRRRGH!

I HAVE TEETH!! YARRRRRRGH!


The rest of me is freaky-scary too! YARRRRGH!

Starved Old Nags Revisted

I still can't figure out the appeal of depicting old, decrepit, starving abused neglected glue-factory bound nags as a decorative items. But somebody bought them, somebody got paid to make 'em...that's even more disturbing than the ole' nags!


Saggy and ribby at the same time!


And the other side...

And THIS is a first (for me)...a bony old nag with a bony old rider!!



So disturbing, he's kinda cute!

Feed 'em Oats, Not Spaghetti

A diet high in linguini is the only explanation for those back legs!

Multiple Big-Headed Horses!!

When ONE isn't disturbing enough, how about an entire herd of big-headed equines that for some reason, remind me of Bing Crosby. Don't ask why, because I don't know.

I WANT to Wuv U!!!

DESPERATELY!!

A Logical Combination

Seriously...Cowboys...and Horses... I can't imagine why it makes me want to scream and run away!

FORE! SALE!

Yep, if I were a giftware designer, first thing that would come to my mind is a horse playing golf! You too?

What's with the Brian Kilmead bobblehead in the background. Huh.

Are you going to smoke me or not?

Nothing like your smoking implement giving you the stink-eye!

Urrrrgh! Hulk-Horse Angry!!!

Words cannot be found. Sorry.

Fink Plamingos?

Hm...I THINK they're supposed to be horses...

Pull Tape From My Butt!

And tear it off on my head!

JOHN! MARY!

Oooohhhhh John! Oooooooh Mary! Ohhhhhh John! Ooooooh Mary!!

A Hunker Hunker Burning Love

A timely DE, as we all must hunker down in these trying economic times!

Disturbingly Cute

This would be kinda cute if it didn't look like it was crossed with Frankenstein's Pit Bull!

Amazing Wooden Articulated Horse From Hell

I wanted one of these when I was in art school...granted, not one quite so disturbing!

I'm so Pretty, and so Disturbing!

A Bratz Horz cross-bred with a Barbie Horse and partially cloned into an Aardvark embryo. That's the best I can come up with!

Hmmm. Someone's allergic and has to stay away from horses?

The perfect solution if you want to ride a horse, yet stay as far away from them as possible!

A Celebration of the Funrise Company

I'd never heard of the Funrise Company when I was a kid, but I tell you, I would have KILLED to have these fun little horsies in my carpet herd! They're bloated and lumpy and odd and have oversized genitals, but they're COOL! In a disturbingly fun sort of way.

Funrise Warmblood (it's trotting, and it's brown. Ergo, a warmblood!)

Tennessee Walking Horses! Well...they're walking...and they're horses! Works for me!

Guess what this is. If you guessed a Turkoman, hey, you're right!!! One nice feature of the Funrise horses is that they print the breed's name on the toy's belly, so even if you look at one and go "WTF is THAT supposed to be?" you can flip it over and it'll tell you!

This one's not so easy to guess. Unless you guessed Thoroughbred!



Hmm...let's see...pinkish purply-grey...weird splayed back legs...heavy edema in the lower legs, why, it must be a Funrise Sicilian Horse! Heck, we all knew THAT, didn't we?



A beautiful pair of Shires! It's the odd fat telescoping necks that give it away, isn't it?



Okay, I don't want to read any complaints about solid-legged tobiano Pintos, and the Funrise Company doesn't want to hear it either!



Keeping it simple, these are just called Palominos. Cute little black-dot nostrils though!


Funrise Mustang (gee, a Mustang that's not rearing, what's with that?)


A pair of Morgans, according to the Funrise Company.



Why bother sculpting a piece into a cool pose like a Levade or Piaffe, when you can portray your Lipizzan model standing on all fours?



No, not Strawberry Shortcake's horse, unless she rides a Knabstrupper!



This one just screams "Akhel Teke"!!!! Too bad Funrise calls it an Icelandic Horse! With a dog dinky!


This little fella's so homely he's cute, with his fat little feet and swollen face and little black piggy eyes. All the more enduring for a Highland Pony.



I'm ashamed to admit I have no idea what a Dunord is, but Funrise says this is one, so, enjoy.



Cute little red dun Brumby!



A Breton, the beef cow of the horse-eating world!



A Batak...another new one on me!



Okay, now I know they're smoking something at Funrise...this is supposed to be an Arabian! Yeah, easily identifiable as such guys. Guess they don't have many Arabians over there! Of course there's also the possibility that the eBay seller who had these listed made a mistake. Too bad I sold off all my Funrises or I could double-check.



Yaaah, this one's easy! Appaloosa with cute little spats!



And the magnificent Andalusian!



Last but not least, and in reverse alphabetical order, the famous Albino! Why his hooves are black, I don't know, unless he's heading for a horse show!

Thank you Funrise Company, for entertaining horse-crazy kids over the decades!